A fairy tale of what Prince Harry prints
It’s the most popular book in publishing, but our own columnist Maureen Callahan has managed to get hold of it. Here, on a manuscript smuggled page by page by an overworked French intern, is your first exclusive excerpt from Prince Harry‘s new memoirs.
I will never forget how that fateful day unfolded.
It was 11 a.m. I had just woken up from a long sleep, swaddled like a baby in my made-to-measure $ 4,900 D. Porthault sheets. My eyes blinked through the unbearably white light.
“Move the sun! I thundered. “How many times do I have to tell you? “
I heard an annoying noise as I woke up in my master suite – er, master suite. My wife Meghan told me that using the word ‘master’ makes you a racist. She helps me wake up.
My fiancee needed to see me right away. Immediately!
I knew it had to be important. Meghan is so calm by nature, so easily satisfied, that something really terrible must have happened.
She had changed my life, Meghan had done it. Little people pointed out to me. There were so many of them. Explained what the world needed was the royal family to teach them about race. She even made me throw away my Nazi costume.
I am not allowed to have a phone, not from Las Vegas, so I asked my assistant to call William for advice. First in a row, but second in hot women, right? But unfortunately he and dad were taking a private jet around the world to talk about climate change issues. Terrible thing, the climate.
My dad doesn’t use a phone either, but he says it’s because he had a really bad experience in the 1990s with his current wife, feminine hygiene products and the tabloids.
“I can do this on Google for you if you want,” said my always considerate fiancée.
“What is Google? ” I said.
A quick look of gentle disdain crossed her beautiful face, quickly replaced by a smile – no, a Chesire cat smile, I would say.
“Oh, H,” she cooed.
“H” is her nickname for me. Meghan can’t stand royal splendor. She told me that from the start – she had no use for titles or tunes or anything superficial, because that’s not what matters to her.
She later asked me if I knew Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but I think she was just testing me. About what, I don’t know. Politics, maybe? How can I expect me to know all the American presidents?
Anyway, back to this morning. After being dressed, fed and gently burped, I was carried in my chair up to his wing.
I barged in through the door and ran to Meghan’s bedroom, where I saw my bride ordering her ladies-in-waiting to pack all of her clothes, jewelry, prom dresses, tiaras, scepters, fairy wands and sequins in her Louis Vuitton travel wardrobe. , a wedding gift from the queen.
Looking back, I wonder if Grandma was sending us a message.
“That’s it, Harry! Meghan exclaimed. “You are being held hostage in this three-story, 100-room palace that your family has just renovated for us!” Had left!”
Now I admit to being confused. We hadn’t even hunted deer yet.
“Oh, H,” she said.
She tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. How I melt.
“You just think you’re happy. Believe me when I tell you that you are trapped. I am the only one who can save you. We’re going to run away with just the clothes on our backs and the $ 20 million your mother – whom I certainly never heard of before meeting you – left behind.
“But where will we go? I asked.
“Canada,” Meghan replied, while typing furiously in that bright little rectangle. ” But do not worry. It’s just for the optics. Really, we are going to America, where you will truly experience freedom. And Oprah. Maybe even Ted Sarandos and Bob Iger.
It sounded tantalizing, I have to say. I didn’t know who these other two guys were, but everyone knows Oprah.
“Can we also visit Disney World? I asked. “And maybe take a dog?” “
She gave me that look again.
“Sure, H,” she cooed. “Whatever you want. Now go pack your bags and meet me at the palace gates in an hour. And whatever you do, don’t tell anyone! We have to make a splash on social media. This will be more important. than Brexit.
“What is Brexit? ” I asked.
“Then we’re going to get our story straight to Netflix,” which she explained to me is sort of an entertainment release popular with commoners.
“Think about it, H,” she said. “Wouldn’t you rather hang out with Beyoncé and Jay-Z?” Shouldn’t we be spending the summer on Barry Diller’s yacht? The way we live – it’s not freedom. I am a Gwyneth at heart.
This I understood. Everything for my fiancee – and oh, I suddenly remembered: I think we had a child hiding somewhere here. Nannies had always had it, so it was easy to forget.
“Shouldn’t we bring him too?” I asked.
“Of course,” Meghan said. He was our reason for living, she said, and our best bargaining chip. All we had to do was sneak out of the castle, find our way to a private plane and take off into the night without anyone noticing.
“Leave it to me,” I said to Meghan. “The Queen knows James Bond. I’ll ask him how.
Meghan just rolled her eyes and hit a button on her Insta-thingy page. It was going to be more difficult than I thought.
Excerpted with permission from “The Prince’s Diary: A Harry Situation”, coming this fall.